Monday, November 21, 2011

Deep inside me ( Yung nasa loob ng puso )

Hey guys!

It's been a very long time since I blogged about something.
Lately I've been feeling down, unhappy, unsatisfied, unwanted, irritated, disappointed, stressed out, scared and worried at the same time. It's very hard and heavy to carry on my chest. I need someone to cry on and pour this out but I just can't. I can't because I'm scared of what might people think of me afterwards. It's really hard for me to show my very weakness to my friends. I know, friends are there to help and to listen to one another but I just can't express myself that much. I don't know why either. I want to cry but it won't flow down that easily. Maybe I might be crazy already.

All my hard work in everything seems to fall apart, like the feeling of " kulang pa ata..." I feel so unappreciated at times and It hurts A LOT! I feel so useless and unwanted by that. I sound so EMO but that's how I feel for that past few weeks. Yung "epal feeling" na ginawa mo na nga ang lahat para sa mga taong mahal mo sa buhay... parang... okay ng diyan lang yan. wala ako pake diyan. It could be "Praning" but hindi naman eh. Did I do something wrong to prove my right of being HUMAN?! Tao naman ako eh, I can feel what other people can feel.

I've been missing a lot of people as well. I keep telling them how I miss them and I hope I'm doing it right. I miss them a lot even masakit minsan na they seem " I don't care " pero hindi ko naman yan ma sabi ng lubus-lubusan kase I know and I hope they care and miss me too. Honestly, I feel sad whenever hindi sila nagtetext or nagpaparamdam.. pero I keep reminding myself that Busy sila. Because of that, I keep myself busy with other stuff or make myself preoccupied by things so that I can't think of any negative thoughts towards the situation pero not to the point na hindi na talaga ako nagpaparamdam. I still text or call them to make sure okay lang sila or any updates sa mga buhay nila since I'm far away and it's hard for me to notice their changes. Even ganito na nga ang situation, I still make an effort to reach out to them and letting them know that... "UI! I'm still alive!", "UI! I'm still here" and "UI! I'm here to listen and be your friend" Sana I made them realize that, and if I did... It will make me feel much much better kase if not parang ang lost ko na walang alam sa mga tao na yun.

I've been sleepless for the past few nights and it's creeping on me for days. I lack sleep and how I wish I can make "BAWI". I lack sleep because of all of this and don't get me wrong here. I don't blame the people. HELL NO! "I BLAME NOTHING BUT MYSELF" yung sarili ko mismo ang dapat sisihin kase No one told me to be like this in the first place pero wala akong magawa kase it's the heart eh.

Stressed out ako because My papa opened a new resto and all of us are busy. Naging food photographer ako, naging waitress ako, food checker at guard sa bagong resto namin. ano pa kulang? HAHA!

At least it made me busy, if not baka na baliw na ako sa kakahintay na my mangyayari na kahit alam ko naman na wala. Kung baga nag aasa sa wala. kaya I'm very thankful din sa HS-friends ko na they are there to help me with this Ocean city stuff and by helping me keep my mind off things muna without them knowing everything.

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